A Story of Friendship and Kentucky Blue

It is March.  That means March Madness.  My team is doing pretty well.  I am happy.  Today I am actually wearing my Kentucky sweatshirt.  That used to just make me think of my beloved Wildcats team.  Lately, though, I think more of my friends when I where this.  There is a lovely story.  I'll share it with you.

Back in the early fall of 2014 I woke from one of those mesmerizing dreams that leave you wishing you could go back to sleep.  I dreamt that it was my birthday and all I wanted was hot fudge sundaes and time to pray with a group of eight specific women.  So I promptly emailed all eight of them and told them about my wacky, beautiful dream.  They did not all know each other and we all live in far away places, so getting together is impossible.  But I wanted each of them to know how fun my dream was and how someday in heaven we would have hot fudge sundaes together and plenty of time to pray!

Fast forward to my actual birthday.  Wouldn't you know it, but one of those women is a beautiful instigator!  And she worked her tail off to plan a way for all of those wonderful women to secretly come to my house - everyone made it except one who needed to stay home (but she was so very missed!).  The funny thing is that I was actually cleaning my garage when they showed up!  Steve had taken me out to birthday dinner and then I had asked if we could spend some time working on our colossal disaster of a garage!  (Yes, I know, I know.  Not very cool.   But "acts of service" is my love language!)  I teased him later that he could have said, "Yes, dear.  But you may want to put on a cute shirt to do so!"  He did not.  So I was scrubbing mud off of the back door while wearing my big, well worn, very unflattering Kentucky sweatshirt when my first friend walked in!

In comes  beautiful friend #1 with ice cream.  She said she wanted to give me a hot fudge sundae for my birthday.  Hooray for me!  Nothing too unusual.  Then two more beautiful friends showed up.  I should have been suspicious when I noticed my Arkansas friend wearing a UK shirt.  However,  I was so excited I didn't really process that.  Then my most cherished, lovely Kansas City friend strolled in and I could start crying even now when thinking of how elated I was to see her!  We proceeded to make our sundaes.  Then... they kept on coming!  One at a time!  My beautiful friend from Wisconsin.  Oh, the tears!  And as soon as I stopped crying in walked my lovely friend from Memphis!   More sobbing and hugging!  Then, my lovely friend from Florida waltzed in and I was a weeping fountain of tears!  Y'all - there is video.  I am not joking.  But I will refrain from sharing that... you are welcome!  It was so sweet, yet heart wrenching, to hear that my dear, dear beautiful friend from St. Louis had been
unable to join us for reasons outside her control!    (But boy did we pray for her!)

Bonus - they were all wearing Kentucky blue!!

Oh everyone... have you ever been overwhelmed with how loved you are?  I am so rarely overwhelmed (except maybe by fear!).  But they did it.  I am told that I ate a hot fudge sundae - but I truly don't remember it.  And it was the sweetest time of prayer that I have EVER experienced.  Sadly, at the end of the evening - well, in the early morning, everyone had to go back to their homes and families.  It was truly like a dream.

What a story of friendship and sacrifice.  It was hard to leave families and responsibilities and drive for hours (one friend with a broken tailbone even! and one friend hopping several different flights)!  But I am grateful.  They are such a picture of the sacrificial love of Jesus to me.  Every day.  They love me well by praying and pointing me back to Jesus.  Makes me think of the verse in Hebrews 10:26  "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works."

It is difficult to write a post like this - for I have so, so many good friends.  I cannot tell you where I would be without my Trailhead Church friends and family.  They love me day in and day out and I love them right back!  Truly.  And my husband and parents and sisters and my children!  But these ladies made a dream come true.  Literally.  :)  And I am thankful.

Welcome 2015

Hard to believe that I haven't written anything since 2014... oh, so long ago. But here we are in March already. January and February (and Stevie-palooza) were lovely. But the clock keeps ticking onward.

And in those ticking moments, I have been thinking about community. This calls for a Wendell Berry quote, don't you think?

"A community is the mental and spiritual condition of knowing that the place is shared, and that the people who share the place define and limit the possibilities of each other's lives. It is the knowledge that people have of each other, their concern for each other, their trust in each other, the freedom with which they come and go among themselves."  ~Wendell Berry, The Long-Legged House (1969)

Such a sweet place to be in. "And so I came to belong to this place..."

Singleness: Resources

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time processing singleness.  It has been a while since that was my situation, but some of my closest friends are single and I have two lovely young daughters who are single!    I want to share some resources with you.  Let's get a good conversation going and encourage each other to honor Christ in whatever situation we find ourselves!!  And for the record, very few of these thoughts are going to be original to me.  I will try to give credit where credit is due!

My friend Johanna asked me to read a book called Redeeming Singleness.  I am only half way through, but it has challenged my thinking in some pretty crazy ways.  Specifically how in Old Testament times there was no place for singleness.  Women needed marriage for protection and the nation needed marriage for growth - children!  But Jesus came and all of that changed.  With the foundation of the church as the body of Christ there was, for the first time, a way for a single person (never married, divorced or widowed) to be cared for, loved, and provided for by other believers.  Jesus could have chosen to be married, but he remained single.  Why?  Perhaps because we are all, in the future in heaven, going to be single again!  I will keep reading the book, but pretty interesting stuff, to be sure.

Then I came across an article from Desiring God:
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/single-satisfied-and-sent-mission-for-the-not-yet-married
This article presents the idea that singles have a huge advantage in serving the kingdom.
"With God’s help and leading, you have the freedom to invest yourself, your time, your resources, your youth, and your flexibility in relationships, ministries, and causes that can bear unbelievable fruit." It may sound like a cop-out, but the truth is marriage and family distracts me - a lot. Probably more than it should.  Paul says that he wished that all of the Corinthians were single (1 Cor. 7:6).  Why is that?  There is freedom in having to attend to only my own needs - but I am not free to do that.  Nor am I free to invest in a large group of friends.  As a wife and mother, my family has to come first.  As a single woman I was able to invest in a larger group of friends and activities.

All of these thoughts are great, except for the fact that they do not address some of the issues generally attributed to singleness. Mainly loneliness. If you have not read Wesley Hill's book entitled Washed and Waiting, I highly recommend that you do so immediately. It will be the best twelve dollars you have spent in a while. Wesley is a believer who struggles with same-sex attraction. He gets into the details of that, which I won't get into right now. But the reality is, in seeking to honor Christ with his life he is looking at a life of singleness which involves loneliness and chastity. Those are huge subjects to tackle. A discussion of singleness cannot ignore either of them. One quote describes the struggle:

 “The love of God is better than any human love. Yes, that’s true, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel---in the deepest parts of who I am—that I am wired for human love. I want to be married. And the longing isn’t mainly for sex (since sex with a woman seems impossible at this point); it is mainly for the day-to-day, small kind of intimacy where you wake up next to a person you’ve pledged your life to, and then you brush your teeth together, you read a book int eh same room without necessarily talking to each other, you share each other’s small joys and heartaches…One of my married friends told me she delights to wake up in the night and feel her husband’s foot just a few inches from hers in bed. It is the loss of that small kind of intimacy in my life that feels devastating. And, of course, this ‘small intimacy’ is precious because it represents the ‘bigger intimacy’ of the covenantal union between two lives.” (see page 105) 

Another great point that Mr. Hill makes is about community.  So many times Christians present the idea that marriage is the best form/picture/expression of community.  But we see in Scripture that the church, the body of believers in Jesus, is the best/truest form of community.  Community in Christ is accessible to everyone - not just married people.  We cannot deny that marriage is a intimate form of community - when it is good.  But we also cannot deny that a bad, disconnected marriage can be even more lonely than singleness.  I could give you a zillion quotes from the book - but instead - READ IT! (Here is the link to amazon: click here)

And finally, the resource I am MOST excited about is a recent seminar from Tim Keller's church, Redeemer Church in New York City.  It was titled S1NGLE - God's Gift:  Our Plans.  I think this is one of the best resources you are gonna find on the subject.  Click here for the website. There are three separate videos on the site.   Watch the first video - an interesting presentation of stats about singles.

Then watch the middle video.  Three speakers (including former Redeemer intern Jordan Tanksley and current Redeemer intern Jessica Hong and author Wesley Hill) share their experiences.  Have you ever been asked "Isn't it about time you settle down and get married?" or heard comments like "I just don't understand why such an amazing woman/man like you isn't married yet?"?  The speakers discuss all aspects of singleness: loneliness, chastity, family expectations, dating a non-believer,  identity, defining ourselves as daughters and sons of God (not our marital status), worth, friendships, and community.  This is SUCH a good collection of speakers!!  So very helpful.

Then in the third video Kathy and Tim Keller speak.  Always a challenging, thought provoking thing.  They challenge singles about struggles, what our biggest problems are, circumstances, trust in God, sexual satisfaction, spirituality, expectations for the future, and personal story.  Please, oh please, watch this video.


Let me know what you think!

Loneliness Poem

I have a friend who just got her first post grad school job.  Sadly, she had to relocate to a different city.  I am so proud of her my heart could explode. She is amazing - determined and brave and courageous and employed in her field!!  

We haven't talked much since she left, but I am imagining all sorts of lonely days until her job begins... Now, keep in mind, she may be loving every minute of life right now, I do tend to worry a little much.  But if she has one of those lonely moments I have a poem just for her.  I have always loved this poem for many reasons.  Hafiz has a way of expressing simple, yet profound thoughst...

Absolutely Clear

Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly.

Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you

As few human

Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight

Has made my eyes so soft,

My voice

So tender,

My need of God

Absolutely clear.

I feel like so often, especially as spoiled Americans, we tend to avoid the discomfort - to run from the suffering.  But why?  God has clearly lead my friend to her new town.  She will clearly have to spend some quiet moments alone in the near future.  But why run from the discomfort of those moments.  Why not, instead, let God use those moments to draw you to Himself?  Why not turn to the One who Loves you more than you can imagine?  Grasp this time, not as a time to feel sorry for yourself (and climb into bed with the covers over your head), but as a time when your complete and utter dependence on God is embraced.  Let Him work His purpose out in your circumstance - in your loneliness - when your need is absolutely clear.

Love and Friendship

This week has had a running theme: love. Not romantic love, although I love romance, but the love of the Father and love of friends - community, again.

I am SO very grateful for my friends. I have found true community here in this little town and in this church. I am surrounded by women who make me feel safe, loved, and cared for. Many women go through life without this - and that is not the plan God has for true community in your life. To have a group of women who continually want more than you can give or who make life unsafe for you can be debilitating. Run from those women. But run to women who will speak truth to you, who will push you to be what God created you to be, who are not afraid to love you well. Don't be a user, though, seek to return the favor. Be authentic with your wants, needs, and struggles. This is good for your soul.

After a conversation with a friend this week, I am reminded of how God loves us. It is not because of who we are and what we do - but because HE CHOOSES TO LOVE US. Period. It has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with Him. We see this played out in our relationships as well. I have three kiddos. They are good kids - but they are also bad kids (don't tell them that I said this!). I do not love them because of their actions. I love them because they are mine. I choose to love them. And hopefully, they choose to love me in the same way. My actions as a mother and a wife are not always deserving of love. But my family loves me despite those actions. We choose to love. Then we pray for God to increase that love. And we seek to have a home that encourages/enhances/invites that love to grow.

This is, hopefully, true of my deepest friendships. I love these women, not because of who they are (although that is probably how we became friends - she or I did something that invited friendship), but because they are the community God has given and I CHOOSE to love them. Unconditionally. This is something God does in my heart. He cultivates community in us. This love is not based on me and my friends, but on the love of God. And I am grateful for that. That takes the pressure off of me to perform (to keep my friendships) and them to work to earn my love.

Now there is still tension here. I have God's love for these women (and they have it for me), but I don't have this same love for everyone. It is a group of women who have given me freedom to be me... no strings attached. And they call out something in me that I know God wants called out. It is a community that He has miraculously placed me in. IF you do not have this, pray for God to send it. This will require vulnerability on your part - you have to seek like minded women that call out God in you. But when you find it, you will know. This is not affinity for me - it is community. Are you looking for affinity - people in your current life stage? That may not be the right place for you to look. Maybe you need to find people in the same spiritual life stage as you. Start there! Start spiritual conversations and see who you connect with. I am grateful that I did.